Dystopian tales are designed to invite us to think ‘what if’. George Orwell’s 1984 is a satirical portrayal of an intense dictatorship that represses behaviour, and of how that world would look (although it’s concerningly accurate satire). Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World depicts a world in which humans are stripped of the desire to think for themselves, a critique of mass production and the abolition of freedom (again, concerningly realistic). Yoko Ogawa’s The Memory Police explores a world in which objects and human experiences are erased from consciousness.
These thought-provoking novels are, of course, merely fiction, but could you imagine a Cheltenham Festival without Willie Mullins?
The Closutton handler has criticised the Cheltenham ground team for ‘failing’ to provide a suitable surface for his horses, raising the possibility that he and his owners could focus on festivals elsewhere if the ‘issue’ is not rectified.
Now, I’m not saying Willie Mullins is the equine equivalent of Big Brother, nor is Jon Pullin the groundskeeping equivalent of John the Savage, but let’s depict a world in which The Memory Police had infiltrated the Cheltenham Festival and Willie Mullins was never here.
1995
Contrary to the typical dystopian future, let’s begin at the start. Tourist Attraction won the 1995 Supreme Novices’ Hurdle to give Willie Mullins his first Cheltenham Festival winner.
Without Mullins, Ventana Canyon lands the spoils, giving Edward O’Grady his second winner of the race after Golden Cygnet in 1978. Had Tourist Attraction not won, would she have gone on to be the dam of Pete The Feat, Charlie Longsdon’s 2017 Veterans’ Chase Final winner?
Now, I’m certainly not going to go through the dystopian ‘whatifery’ of every Mullins winner as if he were merely a figment of our imagination, so let’s focus on last season.
2026
Lulamba gave Nicky Henderson a record eighth Arkle. It was a moderate renewal with just three other challengers, but he pulled 18 lengths clear of Jax Junior in second.
Two hours later, Brighterdaysahead belatedly broke her Cheltenham duck as she beat the previous year’s Turners winner by half a length. It was a huge day for connections, as both Gordon Elliott and Gigginstown won their first Champion Hurdle. Michael O’Leary went into a frenzied state of euphoria and gave Jon Pullin a lifetime free pass for Ryanair flights.
Nicky Henderson won his first Baring Bingham since Simonsig in 2012 as Act Of Innocence beat Zeus Power by three-quarters of a length. In the aftermath, Nico de Boinville forgot entirely about his spat with Declan Queally down at the start, though the pair never shook hands on ITV in one of the most awkward encounters on live TV.
Jamie and Josh Moore took the Brown Advisory with Salver, giving Jamie his first Festival success since Sire De Grugy. The pair had finally been relieved of the pain and emotional stress caused by Goshen’s Triumph Hurdle blunder.
Libberty Hunter was a shock winner of the Champion Chase. It was the third Festival winner for the yard following High Chimes and Coole Cody, and they’d land another later in the week.
As for Sean Bowen, he belatedly broke his Cheltenham Festival duck, the cherry on top of a season that saw him crowned champion jockey.
Minella Study won the Triumph Hurdle for Adam Nicol (yes, he wouldn’t have gone early or had to switch behind Apolon De Charnie, and Maestro Conti would’ve just faltered), a huge David vs Goliath success. I tipped him ante-post in this column, and we all had it off. Adam Nicol invited everyone round for a beach party in Seahouses.
Gavin Cromwell was back in the winner’s enclosure as Only By Night won the Mares’ Chase. He completed a hat-trick in the race following Brides Hill’s success a year earlier and Limerick Lace in 2024. He’s now won half of all Mares’ Chase renewals, with Keith Donoghue in the saddle each time. Remarkable.
Nicky Henderson won his third Gold Cup following Long Run and Bobs Worth as Jango Baie beat the defending champion Inothewayurthinkin by two lengths. Henderson was crowned top trainer at the Festival after a tremendous week.
A world without Willie Mullins
Now let’s go one step further. Forget Mullins merely at Cheltenham – could you imagine a world where there was no Mullins at all?
Venetia Williams has all the Ricci horses. She’s trained more than 25 winners in the famous pink and green silks. Charlie Deutsch (whose fame has enabled him to launch a multi-million-pound massage parlour chain called Soft Hands Deutsch) is the winningmost jockey at the Festival.
All the big owners keep their horses in Britain. The Prestbury Cup is a non-event every season. British store horses dominate under rules.
Gordon Elliott is a multiple Irish champion trainer, dominating the sport across the Irish Sea.
Ruby Walsh remained at Ditcheat and has now set up his own training base in Britain after learning the ropes with Paul Nicholls, who’s still the sport’s best trainer.
Who’s Paul Townend?
French racing is booming. It’s like Les Trente Glorieuses all over again. The majority of their juveniles remain there and continue their progression, with many making the voyage for Britain’s historic steeplechases – Arnaud Chaillé-Chaillé, Guillaume Macaire and Emmanuel Clayeux are all Gold Cup winners.
Patrick Mullins was never crowned Horserace Writer of the Year.
The jumps season isn’t dominated by Mullins bingo. Cheltenham ante-post markets aren’t saturated by October. God, what would those ‘in the know’ do without their auntie’s sister’s pet parrot telling them about the Closutton gems?
Room 101
We can all ponder what could be in a dystopian world with no Mullins. But even Winston Smith learned to love Big Brother. Without Willie Mullins and Closutton, this sport would be unimaginable. The Memory Police would be overpowered by the sheer emotion the Closutton camp has given us racing fans. From Tourist Attraction to Gaelic Warrior, the County Carlow-based operation is one of sport’s most successful foundations.
Pullin, please turn them taps on for March.
Sincerely,
Racing.